The #3 College Myth, Busted: Parents Should Not Step aside Just Because Their Child Is 18

The stories made my toes curl.

One set of parents left the entire college application process up to their son. He was 18 and would soon be on his own. It was time for him to take the reins, they reasoned. But he forgot to follow up with the task of selecting a residence and was therefore assigned to the absolute-worst, this-is-the-pits, no-one-wanted-it freshman dorm at the university. Unhappy from the outset, he quickly confirmed that he hated his hall and dropped out, never to return.

Another set of parents had been worried about their son's D in a high school math class. They tried to intervene, but he repeatedly reassured them that he could handle it, so they backed off. After all, they persuaded themselves, he was 18. All his other grades were on par for acceptance at the school of his dreams. But he failed math and was forced to attend a college he found humdrum, his enthusiasm for his future fading fast.

Both sets of parents still seemed to be in shock as they told me their stories. Possessed of twenty-twenty hindsight, they realized they had mistakenly believed a college myth: By virtue of being a senior in high school, their child was ready to act as an independent adult. On his own, he would march straight into an appropriate education and continue on to a good job.

Certainly 18-year-old students have responsibility for their own lives. Most of them have acquired skills for getting what they want.

The catch is that there is no magic to turning 18.

People mature at different speeds. There is great variability with regard to readiness. Some teens have already planned for the future; others may not even be aware that they need a plan, much less know how to make a good one and act on it. Some juniors wish they could move on already, whereas some seniors can't bear the thought of leaving high school. I've seen them in the hallways during their final semester, trembling like the Cowardly Lion about to face the Wizard. I myself stepped out nimbly from high school only to fall on my face later, tripped up by career immaturity in the transition from college to work.

Do not step aside yet, Mom and Dad. You are still needed—and for more than footing the bill.

Here are five suggestions for mentoring a student on the threshold of adult independence:

1. Be guided by your child's readiness. If she does not stride forward on her own, then do not rush her. Let her revert to a teenage version of taking baby steps while you metaphorically hold her hand. Sometimes a person may regress a bit before she's ready to move ahead.

2. Anyone signaling "I'm not ready" needs greater support. Consider hiring a professional. For example, a career counselor could work with your student to identify new experiences that might help her progress. (Some career counselors even offer tests that measure career readiness.)

3. Reassure your child that nobody knows exactly what she wants to do with her life when she's 18. As one of my psychologist friends says to her teenage clients, "Your first job is just exploration." And exploration can be fun!

4. Now is not the time to begin a downward spiral. There is simply too much at stake in the transition from high school. Don't bow out until you're persuaded—by good evidence—that your child is in fact ready to take over, with all that implies regarding skills with time management, organization, and decision making.

5. Like it or not, as a parent you are a primary influence. Your child needs to develop a plan for her future and will probably look to you for support and advice. Become career literate yourself. I've designed this blog for exactly that purpose and will do my best to make it worth your reading.