Mentoring Tips: Five First-Rate Ways to Support Others in Conversation

Your student wants to talk with you. You're flattered to be consulted and eager to help.

Now what do you do?

Here are five mentoring tips, gleaned from my experience as a counselor (as well as a supervisor of various kinds of psychotherapists):

Tip #1: Begin with what you hear and see and feel in your child's presence

There's something amiss in the phrase "just listening." To put yourself aside while you truly listen to others is to give them a precious gift.

Psychologist Leona Tyler wrote: "Counseling is basically a perceptual task. It is not possible to learn to say the right thing at the right time without learning to listen and watch and understand." It is the same for mentoring. Look. Listen. Let curiosity gently move you along.

Despite my desire to serve a helping of wisdom along with my counseling, I can't recall a single instance of praise for my profundity. On the other hand, clients thanked me over and over and over again for listening. 

Tip #2: Model patience with the process

Offer a contrast to our frenetic culture. Slow down. Conduct your conversation so that your student can hear herself think and begin to heed that small voice inside.

My clients would often tell me that they didn't know what they wanted when they actually did, deep down. Perhaps they were slightly scared to express it out loud, but eventually, because I waited and listened and probed instead of rushing in to offer advice, they would get around to declaring their heart's desire.

Of all the quotes about creativity, my favorite is from Epictetus: "No great thing is created suddenly, any more than a bunch of grapes or a fig. If you tell me that you desire a fig, I answer you that there must be time. Let it first blossom, then bear fruit, then ripen." Developing talent is an equally slow process.

Tip #3: Respect your student's desires

Personal values bring emotion (note the root word motion) into play, and that kind of energy can move entire mountain ranges. So let your daughter know that you respect her values.

One young woman admitted during a counseling session that she wanted to be a good nurse and mother and live in the country where she could raise a big vegetable garden. Then she trembled and hung her head in shame. Her goals didn't fit her parents' values, so she felt as though she had just confessed to something sinful. Hearing my respect for her goals helped her move forward.

Well-meaning friends and family, full of "shoulds," often plaster their own priorities on a young person who already feels vulnerable because her values are at odds with the mainstream (or perhaps simply at odds with her parents). When in dialogue, honor her desires—not your own.

Tip #4: Express confidence in his or her ability

If you believe that your son is capable of doing whatever it is he says he wants to do, then tell him so.

Lawrence Hatterer, a psychotherapist for fine artists in New York City, believed that his single most important contribution was a belief in his client's ability to create. Creative people of all sorts have told me that they were helped by such confirmation. Just one other person who believed in them was enough to strengthen their self-confidence.

I experienced this myself, when I told my sister that I wanted to write fiction for children. She read some of my early efforts and said, "I think you can do it." Sounds simple, but what a boost!

Tip #5: Contain your own anxiety

When your student wants to discuss something important, chances are that she will be uncertain and a bit worried. Anxiety is contagious—but don't let her scare you too.

One of my clients had been fired from a prominent position. Already embarrassed by his public demotion, he became panicked by his subsequent lack of success at the job hunt. Fear wafted off of him like bug repellent, which undoubtedly hurt his chances with potential employers. I helped by not becoming scared myself. Once he calmed down, he got the job he wanted and became one of my most grateful clients.

Try to focus on the person instead of her anxiety. In other words, let her feelings be her feelings and attend to her as a whole person. Attending does not mean rushing in to save her from feeling bad. Nor does it mean taking upon yourself the task of making her choices. It means going back to basics, to the starting point of what you hear and see and feel in her presence (see Tip #1).

Rest assured: You can provide information and opinions and emotional support, but you do not need to make decisions. That task belongs to your student. After all, she's the one who must live with the consequences.